Struggling with grief

Understanding Loss and Grief

Grief is one of the most universal, yet deeply personal experiences we encounter in life. It’s the emotional response to loss, whether that loss is a loved one, a relationship, a job, a phase of life, or even a long-held dream. Although society often expects us to “move on” or “get over it,” grief doesn’t have a set timeline or one-size-fits-all approach. Here, we’ll explore the nature of grief, its stages, and ways to work through the pain while finding hope and meaning along the way.

Grief isn’t limited to mourning someone who has died. It can take many forms, and we experience it in countless ways:

• Bereavement after the loss of a loved one
• End of a relationship, such as a breakup or divorce
• Major life transitions, like retirement, moving to a new city, or children leaving home
• Loss of identity, as seen in changes related to aging, health issues, or personal achievements
• Disappointment and shattered expectations, when a dream or vision for the future no longer seems possible

Each form of grief is valid, and all share one thing in common: a profound sense of loss and an altered reality. Accepting and understanding these emotions is an essential first step in healing.

The Stages of Grief

It’s essential to remember that grief doesn’t follow a straight line. You might experience these stages in a different order or return to certain stages over time. Let’s explore each briefly:

1. Denial: This initial stage can feel like numbness or disbelief, as the mind and heart struggle to accept the reality of loss. It’s a coping mechanism to help us process overwhelming emotions bit by bit.
2. Anger: Grief often brings feelings of frustration, resentment, or even rage. These feelings can be directed at oneself, others, or the situation itself. Anger helps give structure to our pain and reminds us how deeply we care.
3. Bargaining: In this stage, we may dwell on “what if” or “if only” scenarios, trying to rewrite the past to avoid the present pain. Bargaining can also include seeking ways to regain control or make sense of the loss.
4. Depression: This stage encompasses feelings of sadness, loneliness, and despair as we begin to truly feel the weight of our loss. It’s a natural part of the healing process, as we learn to sit with difficult emotions.
5. Acceptance: Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or no longer feeling sad. Instead, it means finding a way to live with the loss, incorporating it into our lives and moving forward with a sense of peace and understanding.

Myths and Misconceptions About Grief

There are several myths about grief that can make us feel isolated or ashamed in our journey:

• “Time heals all wounds.” While time can ease the pain, healing isn’t automatic. Grieving takes active work, reflection, and support.
• “You should be over it by now.” There’s no fixed timeline for grief. For some, grief may take months; for others, it may linger in different forms for years.
• “You should grieve alone.” Society often expects us to handle grief privately, but sharing the experience whether through therapy, support groups, or with loved ones can be a vital part of healing.
• “You need closure.” Closure is a complex idea, and for some losses, it might never fully come. Instead, we can focus on learning to live alongside our grief.

Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief

Everyone copes with grief differently, and there’s no right way to grieve. However, some strategies can support us through the hardest days:

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel: Sometimes, we may feel like we should suppress or control our emotions, especially if others are depending on us. Allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions anger, sadness, fear, guilt, without judgment can be a powerful step toward healing.
2. Lean on Your Support System: Sharing your feelings, memories, and pain with others can be deeply therapeutic. Whether it’s friends, family, or a grief counsellor, don’t be afraid to reach out.
3. Create Memorials: Writing letters, creating a memory book, or lighting candles on significant dates are just a few ways to honour the memory of someone or something you’ve lost.
4. Take Care of Your Physical Health: Grieving can be exhausting and physically taxing. Make an effort to eat nourishing foods, rest, and incorporate gentle movement when possible. These small acts of self-care can help ground you and provide stability.
5. Seek Professional Help When Needed: Therapists and support groups can provide a safe, understanding environment to explore difficult feelings. If grief feels unmanageable, prolonged, or is interfering with daily life, reaching out to a mental health professional is a strong and positive choice.

Grief doesn’t always end. It often ebbs and flows, transforming as we grow and change. Rather than a problem to “fix” or a phase to “get over,” grief can become a part of who we are, reminding us of what we have loved and lost. Accepting grief as part of the journey can bring a sense of peace and even gratitude for the time we had, the memories we cherish, and the strength we’ve gained.

Grief is often said to be the price we pay for love.